I’m sitting in a sweltering Saigonese coffee shop—probably 8 years ago—trying to finish a sales letter for some long-forgotten dating guru on how to…never mind.
But…
The strange couple to my right is making it very hard to concentrate.
“DA-dyyy, I’m back!” the girl purrs, plopping into the wooden chair across from her man.
She’s sitting closest to my table, back facing me.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see braided pigtails…
And…
Is that a SCHOOLGIRL uniform?
He’s on the far side of the table, facing her—and from my angle, I can see his face perfectly.
Oh boy…
She sounds YOUNG.
He looks very 40.
I look away and whistle innocently.
I glance back at my computer and start drafting a different sales letter:
“Dear Vietnamese FBI…”
Wait just a second here…
“She’s probably his ACTUAL daughter,” I think to myself. “That’s her DADDY, not here daddddyyyyy. I’m being too nosy.”
Well…
THAT almost got out of control. Now back to this sales le—
“I could feel him kicking so hard this morning.” the girl muses playfully from the kiddie-sized table to my right.
My ears perk up like a Golden Retriever at the vet’s office.
Finger frozen on my laptop’s F key, mid-sentence…
ffffffffff
“I told you to eat more protein, he’s gonna be a big boy!” he teases her from beyond my peripheral vision.
fffffffffffffffffff
“I love you daddy,” she squeals with ABSOLUTE DELIGHT.
ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
My brain’s running full diagnostics now.
She’s 18 MAX. Full-on Sailor Moon lookalike. Pigtails.
I CC Interpol on my sales letter:
“ATTENTION: URGENT MATTER.”
I can’t look at this trainwreck, but I can’t NOT look.
I slowly, SLOWLY pretend to search for the waitress…tilt my head 1.5 degrees to the right…
And then she says something that I’ll never forget…
“I wish we’d had kids sooner!”
SOONER!?
Forget Interpol.
WHERE IS CHRIS HANSEN WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
I can’t take this anymore.
I slam my laptop shut and whip my head to the right…
At the very same instant, she’s ALSO turning around…
We lock eyes…
And!
She’s…
Yes, she’s definitely wearing a schoolgirl outfit, but…
It’s not LIKE a Sailor Moon anime costume.
It’s literally a Sailor Moon anime costume.
And the guy…
I look under the table.
He’s wearing One Piece socks.
And…she’s…
Not THAT young…she’s just petite.
Probably in her 30s.
This isn’t a crime scene.
They’re just married cosplayers expecting a baby Naruto.
🎉 Congratulations! 🥳
I pick up my laptop, slap a couple bucks on the table, and quietly hope Interpol thinks this whole situation is as funny as I do.
Detective Conan’s apprentice,
Nick
P.S. If you’re a freelancer trying to land better clients without ever sending creepy or confusing messages, join my email list here:
nickbandy.com/freelance
Daily advice. No cosplay required.
Unless you want to.
Blessed are the cosplayers, for they shall inherit the Earth.
