For the past 3 years, I’ve played a dangerous game with our district court clerk.
Like two chess grandmasters we’ve tried to corner each other…
Piece by piece…
Email by email…
And I can’t tell who’s winning.
It all started with a summons:
“Please appear at the District Courthouse in one week. Failure to appear may result in a $1000 fine or up to 60 days imprisonment. —Clara Clerk”
That’s a strong CTA—most people don’t want to go to jail.
(I hope you’re writing down all these hot persuasion tips.)
Problem?
I live in Vietnam. Just a quick 24-hour flight away from my “local” courthouse.
So I did the unthinkable…
I told the truth.
(A SECOND persuasion tip? You’re spoiled today!)
“I’ve been living abroad for the past 6 years, what are my options?”
A day passes, and Clara Clerk replies:
“Very well.”
“Consider your duty…”
“…fulfilled.”
Huh…that was easier than I thought.
But six months later, I receive another email:
“Please appear at the District Courthouse in one week OR ELSE. Failure to appear WILL result in a $1000 fine AND AT LEAST 60 days imprisonment!!!”
(Emphasis mine.)
Well, those 24-hour flights weren’t getting any shorter, so I fire back…
“I’m still living abroad.”
Surely, this’ll be just as easy as last time. I go back to doin—
“WE GOT YOUR EMAIL. TO SKIP JURY DUTY, SEND YOUR FORM AND PROOF YOU DON’T LIVE IN HARFORD COUNTY—LICENSE, BILL, LEASE, OR EVEN A LETTER FROM YOUR BOSS. EMAIL, FAX, OR MAIL IT NOW. TICK TOCK.”
(Exaggeration mine.)
I feel just a LITTLE annoyed at all the hoops I’m jumping through, but again…I don’t want to go to jail.
License sent, reply received:
“Congrats—your proof of not living here actually worked. You’re officially off the hook for jury duty.”
“…for now.”
Finally, I can get back to not going to jury duty.
But on the other side of the globe…
Clara sits at her desk. Lights dimmed. Rain patters against the window.
She swishes a glass of bourbon and crumples my letter violently before tossing it in a wastebasket.
“I’ll get you next time,” she hisses.
And so, Clara bides her time.
Years pass.
I forget all about jury duty. I forget about Clara.
But Clara never forgot about me.
Because last week…
She summoned me to her lair once more.
“Well HELLO Mr. Bandy. Looks like you are no longer LiViNg AbRoAd, as you like to say.”
“As such, you are CORDIALLY INVITED to jury duty in one week.”
“Failure to comply may result in punishment up to and including waterboarding or drawing-and-quartering.”
“Do reply at your earliest convenience…I’m simply DYING to meet you.”
🙄
There’s no getting out of this one.
And right in the middle of my Upwork Domination launch? How “unlucky.” It almost seems…planned.
So this morning, I drag myself to front door, keys in hand, ready to accept me deferred fate at 8 am sharp…
When my phone buzzes nervously.
It’s an email from Clara.
Cryptically, she writes:
“Good morning, Juror Number 34.”
“Your court case has been settled. You no longer need to report. Congratulations, Juror Number 34. Consider your duty…fulfilled.”
“For now.”
Clara stands in front of her corkboard plastered with grainy pictures of me that her private investigators snapped from a black SUV while I watered my patio tomatoes.
She chuckles softly and sips another mouthful of bourbon.
…
Shocked, I linger in the doorway for a moment. Mild annoyance turns into relief. But my relief is short-lived, when I realize…
Knowing that you can be summoned at any time…basically “on deck” because I’ve gotten out of serving three times in a row?
That’s psychological torture.
Clara could be any email notification. Any “Amazon package” left at my doorstep.
When we buy ice cream at the local creamery, what else might be stuffed in the paper bag with my receipt? A jury duty summons from Clara, of course.
I may have escaped jury duty three times in a row…but what if they let me escape?
Let this be a lesson to you all.
If you get summoned to jury duty, just go. Even if you have to take a plane to get there.
Because like every source of worry in life, the THING itself isn’t nearly as anguishing as waiting for that thing to happen.
Peeping through parted blinds,
Nick
P.S. Clara distracted me too much to write a proper sales pitch for this email, so you’ll have to take this instead.
If I had to sit on jury duty for every freelancer abused by nightmare Upwork clients, I’d be in court until 2087.
Defend yourself against lowballers and ghosters with Upwork Domination, my complete blueprint to transform your Upwork business in just 45 minutes. More below:
nickbandy.com/upwork-domination
Clara’s reach is long, her forms many. She does not sleep, and she does not forget.
